You could place a document in front of me with 500 words, and if there was only one error in it, my eyes would likely focus in on that mistake in less than five seconds. That's not a joke! It is an odd heightened sense of awareness that I wish could provide me some personal benefit. Sometimes I laugh about this kind of scenario because it seems so surreal, but the person responsible for the document rarely finds it amusing. "What a jerk," he/she/ze says. I can't help but feel a little uppity about this talent. It's familiar to me, and for a man who sometimes needs a lesson in being able to exude confidence, it's a rare strength I don't mind openly embracing.
I break the rules of grammar sometimes. No one is flawless. I generally don't mind being corrected because it's the only way I'll know how to properly do my job. Also, my jurisdiction is limited to the modern English language in an American context. British English is notably different than American English, and rules that apply in England sometimes do not apply in the U.S. (and vice versa). Old and Middle English and other languages are completely out my reach, so I leave other skilled folks to monitor those areas. I also try to take into consideration how different dialects might affect the spoken word.
As I have accrued my years of service, there have been several common violations that pass my eyes and ears, and I offer as a public courtesy and with a touch of sarcasm a short list of mistakes that grieve me:
"Orient" versus "Orientate:" I needed to orientate myself to my new surroundings. This one is arguably a gray area. I vehemently argue that orientate is incorrect, at least in the United States. "Orient" has been around for quite a long time in the English language, while "orientate" only started to be used in the nineteenth century. Something about that extra syllable gives me shivers. It takes less time to say or write "orient." I wonder what folks who are in charge of employee and/or student Orientation processes prefer to say?
"Literally" versus "Figuratively:" I literally died when he made fun of me. This sentence is only accurate if you predicted you would die because someone laughed at you and you wrote it down before it happened. If you ever literally die, you won't be around to tell the story. Perhaps you meant to say you "figuratively" died, as that sounds much more realistic.
"Try and" versus "Try to:" Just try and stop me. Okay, first I'll try. Then I'll stop you. When you say you'll try and get things done, it implies you're going to make an attempt first and THEN you'll actually get it done. In most circumstances, it's likely that you intended to say you'll "try to get things done." The word "and" has a wonderful purpose, and "Try and" typically doesn't include that intended purpose.
"Lightening" versus "Lightning:" That was a beautiful lightening storm. Oh, that storm lightened up the night skies until it was day time again? Amazing. "Lightening" is a word, but it's not used when describing a thunderstorm. It is used when you're making something less dark.
"Defiantly" versus "Definitely:" I defiantly want to do that. I believe this improper word use came about from the wondrous spell-checking features associated with word processing. Someone types "definately," which isn't a word, so a spell-checker notes that you may have meant to say "defiantly." If you defiantly want to do something, then why would you do it? Why be so defiant?
"Honestly" versus "...silence...:" Honestly, I just don't know what I'm going to do. Honestly, this is more about overuse of the word "honestly." It has become a habit for people to use the word "honestly" at the beginning of many sentences. When I hear someone say the word "honestly," I immediately wonder if every other time they speak they're spewing lies. Although if that was the case, then I guess I must praise them for letting me know when they're being honest and when they're not.
I could write an entire book about grammar police duties. There are so many mistakes that get under my skin (figuratively, not literally) such as "their, they're, and there," "effect and affect," "judgment and judgement," "too and to," and a willing disregard of the Oxford comma. Several people have already written books on these topics, however. They were all members of the grammar police. A few of them got pulled over for reckless writing, though. Who knows? Maybe I'll even be given a citation for something wrong in this blog post. Correct me if I'm wrong.
