Typically, I stay upbeat in my posts. But I'm feeling the need to write this post as a matter of personal therapy and document a new emotional struggle that has knocked me down hard. Reality dictates that we can't be positive all the time. I know I'm not alone in this process, so it's best to share.
Recently on Saturday, April 18, 2015, I woke up in the morning with some abdominal cramps that felt regrettably like the symptoms of a bowel obstruction. I was supposed to head out that day for a long weekend vacation to Maine, but alas that was not to be. As the day progressed, I became increasingly nauseated and vomited several times. I drank some water in an attempt to stay hydrated but it wouldn't stay in my system and came back up within an hour. I realized I was getting dehydrated.
And I thought, "Screw this. I don't want to go to the hospital." I sat around in my apartment, tired from the pain, and tried to take a nap. "Maybe it'll go away on its own." It wasn't. Through some convincing from my uncle and mother over the phone, I finally got in my car and drove to the hospital about twenty minutes away.
I was grateful that I had a short wait in the emergency room, and within two hours I already had seen a doctor and received painkillers and anti-nausea medication. I've learned from past experience to immediately explain to the ER staff that I have a history of bowel obstructions because it's better to rule it out promptly (or more likely, rule it as the problem) instead of wasting time considering other causes.
The doctor ordered a CT scan, and the scan revealed some back-up and considerable distension in my intestines. The likely suspect this time: small bowel obstruction caused by adhesions (to be defined momentarily). They admitted me into the hospital and I stayed for three nights. I got the standard treatment: IV fluids, and no eating or drinking for at least a day. An NG tube (nasogastric tube) that is inserted through the nose into the stomach was not required this time around, which was a small victory. I've always needed it in the past but this time I didn't. Throughout the hospital stay, I gradually upgraded to a clear liquids diet, then to a "low-residue diet," which is similar to a low fiber diet with some additional stipulations. No surgery required. On the morning of Tuesday, April 21, I was released from the hospital. It will take me a few days to physically recover.
This was my third hospital stay since 2000 for bowel obstructions, not including two other stays for diverticulitis and pancreatitis in the past four years. I thought I figured out the foods to avoid and the right diet to ward off obstructions. This time around, I couldn't pinpoint a reason that I had control over that caused this obstruction.
Though I knew it intellectually, I guess I never really grasped the concept that bowel obstructions caused by abdominal adhesions cannot be prevented with a certain diet or exercise. Adhesions are essentially scars formed due to any number of reasons (past surgeries, inflammation, and other medical conditions). According to a 1990 study, 93% of people who previously had abdominal surgery later developed adhesions. Adhesions may generally be harmless, but they can also wrap around the intestines or adhere the intestines to other organs or the abdominal wall. When this happens, it can result in an obstruction -- which almost always requires medical intervention (sometimes surgery, sometimes not). While treatments have been under development to deter adhesions from forming after surgery (such as chemical sprays), there's no way to definitively stop them from occurring for the time being (hopefully one day, there will be).
This all leads to my main point of this blog post: Adhesions suck. Royally. Because you can't do a damn thing about them. Doctors can surgically remove them, but then that surgery will leave more adhesions in its wake. It's a never-ending cycle.
After the last few days in the hospital, I have to admit that I'm physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained. I'm resigned to the fact that I will inevitably be hospitalized again in the future for bowel obstructions -- they may even increase in occurrence over time. Pun intended, this scares the shit out of me. To have knowledge that you will face specific sufferings in the future and you can't do a thing about it is a heavy burden. I feel helpless with this knowledge now, and it's going to weigh on me for a while. It's a matter of wondering what the hell I do now. I have to move on, face the fact that this struggle will never end, and focus on the people, activities, and things that I love. But that's hard to do at the moment. I'd really like to just avoid all of my responsibilities right now and just have fun -- that's not realistic, of course.
Life has punched me in the gut, knocked me to the floor, and I'm currently down. The referee is counting to ten, and I just want to stay where I am. I don't want to get up and face more of the punches.
Adhesions suck.
I'm better than this, and I will rise above these feelings. I've got to ensure that the aspects of my life that I do have control over are happy, thriving ones. That means some major life changes to better my situation. But this is an emotional and existential challenge that I'm going to need to deal with first. For now, I can only send out my thoughts and feelings in this blog.
